HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE DONE – Part 2

How do you know you're done part 2 - www.alittlepartoftheworld.com

Yesterday I posted part one in this story. But just to re cap quickly, my husband and I always planned and hoped for two children and when we got lucky with the pigeon pair the heaven’s seemed to be sending us a message. Just before our youngest turned one I was worried about where my feeling was… you know, that feeling you get when you know you’re done!! How do you know you’re done having babies?

I always thought there was a feeling you would get when you knew you were done having children and I was spending a lot of time and energy thinking about it. I was mourning the possibility I would never get to meet another baby. The time I had in hospital with E was magical both because I was in a lovely hotel (a wonderful program run by the hospital I was at) and because I was so much calmer the second time around.

I wrote yesterday’s post months ago just to get my thoughts out and nearly posted it at the time because I really wanted to know if there was a feeling or just something I had dreamt up like unicorns and an endless supply of ice cream.

In hindsight I think I didn’t post it as I realised I needed time. Within weeks of E turning one life got full on… she started walking and things seemed to ramp up and all of a sudden I was thinking there is no way I can handle three. It wasn’t just the warm and fuzzy of a newborn or getting to know a new person. It was the reality of raising little people and how much of you they need.

For the next couple of months I wavered back and forth with the whole yes I do, no I don’t…

Then this happened… I found out a close girlfriend was expecting #3 and I didn’t get all clucky. I am extremely happy and excited for her but don’t wish it was me too. So I was pretty sure there is a feeling and that I was getting it.

What brought it home to me happened a couple of weeks ago. I was feeling really crap, sick on the stomach, exhausted and anxious. I couldn’t think why but one afternoon I was feeling really sick and the thought washed over me…. OMG could I be pregnant?! I felt even more anxious and sick at the thought and it was then I knew I was done. I’m not and all is good but I think this was the confirmation I needed that our family is complete. Doesn’t the world work in mysterious ways!?

Never say never but the purpose of this is to talk about the ‘feeling’ I thought you got when you knew you were done and whether it exists or not…

The answer; Yes it does exist and whilst I think you can know you’re done having babies it’s hard for some to put a line in the sand and say that’s it… some need to leave it hanging in the air and never close the book so to speak. Also, I think wanting another and the reality of another are two very different things.

What are your feelings on the subject? Did you know straight away or did it creep up on you? Are you leaving the book open?

Jx

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Comments

    • Jess - alittlepartoftheworld says

      For us the 2nd was a given… it was after that, that was a little up in the air. Good luck with all that lies ahead for you. Jx

  1. says

    After 2 girls 20 months apart I sometimes feel done. At first I really wanted 3, especially after #1, now I’m not so sure. My husband is done, done doneski, he is adamant he doesn’t want another one. I’d say 80% of me is done too, but there is still that small 20% that thinks about feeling those baby kicks inside, those first moments after they hand you your baby and then yearns to experience that again. Having said that though, the reality that comes after those fuzzy, feel-good things is what reminds me that maybe I am done. I think about the things I want to do that wouldn’t be possible, or would be much, much harder with 3, but so easy with 2, and I know I’m getting closer to that 100% done feeling.

    To be honest, I think what I am really waiting for is to become an Aunty. I have three sisters, one of whom I know is actively trying (and sadly suffered a miscarriage earlier in the year), and I think becoming an Aunty is what will help me get over the ‘done’ line. Being able to have all of the love and good stuff that comes with babies and children without all of the hard stuff and logistics of three kids!

    But as others have said, never say never. You never know what life has in store for you, after all, we never planned to have 2 kids 20 months apart but that is what life bought us and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

    • Jess - alittlepartoftheworld says

      It’s a busy time and I miss those newborn moments and the belly parties. You’re right that you never know what’s around the next corner. Hc

  2. says

    Being ‘done’ is always spoken about from the mothers point of view…but what about when dad’s are done? Or when 1 parent is done and the other is ready for more action? It’s not really a compromise when 1 person has to give up on their baby dreams (because lets face it; it’s better not to bring baby into a world when they were ‘forced upon’ 1 parent).
    When being done is a unilateral decision it hurts, it effects the relationship and it’s hard to move pass the grief. Really hard.

    • Jess - alittlepartoftheworld says

      That’s really tough Lisa and feeling like you’ve left something on the table cannot be a nice feeling at all. Incredibly tough. Jx

  3. says

    Oh it is such a hard thing. I was convinced I was ‘done’ after the first – then promptly changed my mind and had number two 14 months later…then that was it – I shut up shop…except earlier this year I had a pang – had I been too hasty, I wondered.
    Well it is waaaay to late now – it would be a geriatric pregnancy and my long suffering husband would not cope, possibly I wouldn’t either. so the moral? I don’t know there is one, other than it may always be something a Mum questions…because having a baby is not just black and white…and yes the world works in mysterious ways…x

    • Jess - alittlepartoftheworld says

      I think for some Mums they know 100%, others it’s not so black and white and lastly we are never totally in control and sometimes life has other plans for us. Thanks for your lovely comment Monique and taking the time to read. Jx

  4. says

    Thank you for posting this, I have been struggling to know if we are done, I feel the urge to have one more but then logically we want to travel the world with the 2 we have and a 3rd may change that, its def a hard one, hubby says we are done, but we all know mum wears the pants haha x

    • Jess - alittlepartoftheworld says

      It is a really hard decision and can be a real battle between the heart and the head. Good luck with your decision and happy travels. Jx

  5. says

    I was unsure about a third after two daughters but a divorce finalised those thoughts. I vowed never to marry again and was very, very happy with my girls for many years but yes, never say never. My second husband had not had a child so I had number three and would have dearly liked a fourth but at 40 both my husband’s and my health prevented us from having that last one. We are extremely grateful for the three children we have and now at 50, I’ve accepted that I’ll have to wait to be a grandmother next.

    • Jess - alittlepartoftheworld says

      Thank you for your lovely comment KL. I love your perfect example of never say never. You have so many wonderful grand parenting years ahead of you. I know my own Mother adores being a Grandmother. Jx

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